For one of my birthdays, the card my mom sent me wasn’t a birthday card but some kind of special “we are proud of you” card. I am a chronic people pleaser I think because of this shift in focus away from what would make me happy to what would make them proud. It felt like they congratulated themselves on my accomplishments (and I actually think they do take credit for raising me in a particular way and are not just happy for me). This is exactly what I thought every time my mom would say how proud she was of me or my dad was of me. She didn’t know the power and message of those words, just like most parents don’t. I know she was not intendingto make her sister feel badly. Gosh, I hope Zoe doesn’t feel badly reading this. I hope some of you feel better dropping the “I’m so proud of you” line now too. I asked Lucy’s permission to share her perspective with my parent readers. I loved hearing that support and belief in me.” You said you were happy that I got what I was going for. You said you were excited for me and my accomplishments that I worked hard on. Do you feel I’m judging you too?” She answered “No, Mom, what you said was totally different. I listened and replied, “But I was excited too when you told me about your weight loss. That she doesn’t think I am okay at this weight.” It made me feel like she really does want me to lose weight and be thinner. She said, “You know how I was trying to get fit and lose some weight? I just told Zoe that I lost two pounds this week and she smiled and said, “I’m so proud of you!” and it felt awful. Well, today my 14-year-old daughter gave me a peek into the child’s perspective on this when she said to me, “Mom, I am so glad you don’t say I’m proud of you.” I said, “Really? Why is that?” Parents can’t seem to imagine dropping this seemingly vital comment from their repertoire. Yesterday at a mom’s group, I was speaking about “praise” versus “encouragement.” Typically, parents agree they want to encourage, NOT praise, but inevitably someone will ask me, “Can’t I say I’m proud of you? What’s so wrong with that?”
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